"I got an instant sick feeling in my tummy when I knew they were going to accept me. On the way back after the interview I stopped for a wee, feeling completely torn. It was instantaneous indecision. It was pretty annoying actually, after having come all this way. Hauling my worldly belongings in a ramshackle cluster of awkward satchels, a plastic bag from Forbidden Planet and my broken suitcase that weighed a tonne, literally halfway across the Netherlands. Fuck I hate that suitcase. I couldn't believe how Natalie Imbruglia's Torn kept repeating in my head as I urinated, but it totally was. It didn't stop for like 45 minutes. Back at the flat I contemplated my feelings to the tune of the rain and Star Trek: Enterprise. The visual metaphors were coming at me thick and fast as T'Pol decided between staying on the Enterprise and exploring outer space, or returning to Vulcan to take up a post at the Science Academy. I bought my host a Kinder Bueno and left a post it note saying I'd been accepted in to art school, then bailed."
I left to go stay with the final host I had lined up, after that I was on my own..
"When I got there he invited over his neighbour who had previously lived in Australia, I'm assuming to make me feel more at home. The neighbour turned out to be someone you'd encounter smoking a bucket bong behind the surf club with a wild dog and it's pups. He suggested we watch some Rodney Rude on YouTube which rung alarm bells in my head. I remember thinking 'Shit this is gonna be really boring' as I'd had several Rodney Rude cassettes growing up. I ended up laughing so hard though that I actually felt like a reject and had to cover my mouth cause it looked weird when I laughed. My lips were stretched so tight across my teeth it hurt, it was both surprising and embarrassing. We continued on to a snooker bar where it was ladies night but there were only like 3 chicks there, all wearing boob tubes in order to highlight their saggy, middle aged assets. I managed to win 2 games out of 5 which is pretty amazing shit for me. I still felt unsure about committing to art school here, and talking to the guys about it gave me no answers"
"The next day the girlfriend rung saying she wanted to go to the beach but my host told her he'd rather hang out with me, a total stranger, and go see a gallery in town. So she decided she'd hook up with us later. During the tram ride in to town he talked about how she didn't enjoy taking on new situations and was bad at expressing her feelings. As it turns out he's had like a million girlfriends, he met this current one on the internet. The tram took no time at all and we legged it to the 'cool area'. The galleries were time well spent, the best thing I saw was a painting of the lyrics from the Sesame Street song. Surrounded by all the art I was feeling more like I should commit to art school. Crossing over the canal en route to the Sonneveld museum we were accosted by a woman who actually looked like a Muppet character, with massive spherical eyelids and heavy blue eyeshadow, I marveled at her face and insane accent as the infamous girlfriend called to say she just had rocked up in town! We bailed on Muppet face and went to meet her, my anticipation was palpable."
Stay tuned for the third and final installment of How That Shit Went Down™
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