Tuesday 21 February 2012

How That Shit Went Down™ - Part 1

I once had the idea I would move to Rotterdam and go to art school. Here's How That Shit Went Down™...

(diary excerpts, selected highlights)

"The ride to Rotterdam was suitably futuristic, upon a small new train, the likes of which I'd never seen before. The people were bugging me out a little. It seems strange to think of most people's perception of the Dutch as free thinking stoners when in reality, they're conservative Americans from the Midwest who shop at Abercrombie & Fitch. That's a phenomonal case of mind control right there. All the rail staff had been incredibly stroppy, although this seems to be a worldwide situation and I myself have been one of the stroppiest rail employees known to humanity. I'm surprised I'm not even in jail. Everything reminded me of a Dr Who television set, particularly at the time when Sylvester McCoy was the Doctor. But that's not the first time I've said that about something which made me worry about my prevalence for cliché."

I had arranged to couch surf that evening and after a few wrong turns found my way to the guys place

"My host made a quiche, seemed to get a bit tipsy and then we played PlayStation 3, which I felt too rude to say I wasn't in to. It was so banal. I don't really see the appeal in computer games. Alex Kidd in Miracle World maybe, actually, that game wasn't that amazing. I think I just became obsessed with it. Then I slept in the spare room listening to the rain, praying it wouldn't rain all the following day. The next day my atheist principles were all up in my grill as the sodding rain had intensified. I came to understand that my prayers are worth about the same as a 1x1 millimeter piece of white plastic that got chipped off a derelict and deserted book shelf originally from IKEA, now wedged in the dirt in deserted wasteland east of the A12. The second night was cool, this time I made puttanesca and we listened to music instead of the video games. He felt like more wine but to be honest I'm not really feeling wine lately. We chatted and drank the wine. He played more bad music and talked about techno."

I had arranged to stay at several different places

"The following day I walked all the way to my next host, complimenting a lady on her intimate knowledge of the city whilst en route. She must have looked at me and thought: "what a cheese ball". The weather was still butts-ville, but at least it wasn't pissing it down. On the way there I stumbled across a comic book shop which ensnared me for about 15 minutes. Run by an exceedingly obese man who has relatives in Perth. His inability to pronounce Perth interested me. I would want to tell the people in Perth How That Shit Went Down™. I can imagine the repulsion and the disinterest etched in to their faces right now. There were some cool comics in there such as Altur; the interplanetary civil servant Elf who gets recalled from one planet to attend a language course on another planet, where unbelievably, 'something happens'. The illustrations were ram-a-jammed with Tron-like native American Indians. I thought it was the coolest thing in there. I got to the guys place and my first thoughts were: this guy seems to forgo style and theme in preference for function, to the point where it's actually become a style statement. He'd gone full circle. Emphasised best by the most striking feature in his flat which was a ginormous light bulb for a ceiling light. I couldn't really look at it for too long. It's intention and the intention that I should feel something by looking at it, was too distracting."

The next day I was to apply at art school, I had an interview arranged and my portfolio was prepped. Stay tuned for the next installment to see........ How That Shit Went Down™

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